Thursday, July 29, 2004

Everybody's Kung Fu Fighting

I sleep with a flat-head screwdriver.  It's lodged between the mattress and the boxspring because I've seen too many Jean Claude Van Damme movies. I have convinced myself that deep in REM sleep and snoring like I invented it, I will sense the presence of a malignant force and--in one fluid badasskungfumotherfucker motion--pull the screwdriver, flip out of bed, and shove it through his neck.

Paint the fence, Daniel-san, paint the fence.

Who am I kidding?! I'll probably just pretend I don't hear him and hope he doesn't try to steal my anal virginity or my Raiders season tickets; if I even wake up in the first place.

Do I get credit for having an impeccable sense of style even if I'm too lazy to put in the effort necessary to pull it off?

I'm inclined to say 'no' unless I pursue a career as a wardrobe stylist or an interior designer.  Unfortunately, I hate Liza Manelli and love I'm kind of screwed.

Lazy-Eyed Mormon just told me that her uncle said the reason she was single was because she doesn't like football!  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAAAAAAAA!  FOOTBALL IS THE REASON SHE'S SINGLE!?! How about the fact that she's 5 feet 7 inches of pasty-skinned, lazy-eyed, snaggle-toothed, double-chinned Mormon idiocy?  Oh, well yes...there's that.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I thought a lot of Mormons "arranged" marriages to one another? If she can't even get "set-up" with another Mormon she's got to be more than absolutely vile to look at.

July 29, 2004 at 3:54 PM  
Blogger NP said...

you have NO idea. She's bulbous, blotchy, she stuffs food in her mouth like it's a competition. And in looking at her--a painful enough experience--her head is so fucked up that it looks like she was hit upside the head with a sledgehammer and it knocked all her facial features out of alignment

July 29, 2004 at 4:06 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Maybe her family should get her a dowry in cheap liquor and paper bags.

July 29, 2004 at 9:32 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Are we talking about Pebbles79?

July 30, 2004 at 3:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mormon girls are generally very nice, pretty, and naive. Mormon fathers only ship off the uglies.

August 6, 2004 at 3:32 PM  

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