Saturday, July 24, 2004

Fun with Hotel Staff

I've been living out of a 5th floor hotel room in D.C. for the last three weeks.  Room service sucks, the cable package sucks, the pay-per-view movies suck, the porn sucks, the coffee maker sucks, and the comforter smells like someone wiped their ass with it and soaked it overnight in bleu cheese dressing.  Mercifully, thanks to the demands of trial and poorly prepared attorneys, I spend little time in my haven of discomfort.  Last night, after my keycard demagnetized twice in a span of 15 minutes and room service refused to take my order because I called five minutes after they closed (due to the time I spent convincing some Sudanese reject that I wasn't trying to make her life difficult or stash keys so I--and I quote--"could have loud pahtees in room with many friend."), I decided to have a little fun. 

I sat in my room fuming over the indignity of not being allowed to purchase chicken tenders and a bowl of crap-ass soup.  Finally, after twenty minutes of pouting, I threw the room service menu against the opposite wall, got dressed, and walked down 17th St to a CVS that was open til midnight.  I strolled down the cosmetic aisle and bought two of the brightest richest reddest lipsticks I could find.  As I made my way to the counter I started to get a little self-conscious--like the first time you buy condoms or tampons for your girlfriend.  What would the clerks think?  To balance out the lipstick, I grabbed a Mountain Dew out of the fridge case and a bag of Funyuns.  That's when I realized that instead of giving off the impression of being a transvestite, now I was exuding the aura of a transvestite who was going to run home, dress up, and beat off to a pirated copy of Lord of the Rings in front of my computer. 

Not good.  I should have known better considering where I was.  This CVS just happened to be on the periphery of D.C.'s gay neighborhood.  A muscular 6'5" white guy with close-cropped hair buying two tubes of bright red lipstick from the CVS on Connecticut and 17th at 11:30pm?  For you, that might be weird. For these clerks, that's called Tuesday.  So I tossed the Mountain Spew and Funyuns on the floor in Aisle 4 and slapped the lipstick down on the counter.  They didn't flinch, of course, and I was back at the hotel before midnight.

To preface this even further, my first few days in the hotel I noticed that the staff was an extraordinarily devout group of disenfranchised African immigrants.  Nearly everyone wore some sort of necklace with a cross dangling from it.  There was a bible on the coffee table in the lounge.  At the bar, there was a bible next to the drink menus and stackable plastic ashtrays.  I heard the word "Lord"  in the lobby more times over the last three weeks than I'd heard in the last three years of my life.  Ultimately, I figured if I was going to fuck with these people, that's how I'd get to them.

I got back to my room just before the midnight edition of Baseball Tonight went into the opening montage.  This was going to be great. I was going to fuck with the entire staff of a major hotel chain AND I would get to hear Rob Dibble and Peter Gammons bemoan the state of the Red Sox organization (again) after choking (again) against the Yankees (again) in the first game of a critical weekend series (again).  Turning up the volume on the TV, I grabbed my toiletry scissors, the Gideons Bible on the bedside table, the bag of lipsticks, and I went to work:

Step 1:  cut out every page except page 666.  You'd be surprised how long this takes with a pair of toiletry scissors.  I've spent 4 years in a law firm in front of a computer and I think shearing out the pages of a complimentary bible is going to be what gives me Carpal Tunnel Syndrome

Step 2:  write something on every page.  In lipstick.  This part kept me up until 4 a.m.  The hard part wasn't coming up with something to write.  The hard part was writing it in lipstick on 750 pieces of thin bible paper.  To make things easier I settled on a trio of phrases:

               1.  JESUS HATES ME

               2.  END IT ALL LORD

               3.  THIS YEAR'S THE YEAR

Step 3:  pick up all 750 pieces of lipsick-covered bible and throw them in the air like I just graduated.  The blast radius was beautiful.  They scattered gleefully all over the hotel room floor like a psychotically hate-filled Rorschach ink blot.  I slept like a baby.

Step 4:  before leaving for the office in the morning, place the gutted bible in the middle of the bed, open to pg. 666. 

Step 5:  laugh hysterically to yourself all day

I got back to the room around 8:30 tonight.  It was UNTOUCHED.  I called down and inquired as to why my room wasn't clean.  The Sudanese refugee on the other end replied, "maid service refused to clean your room sir.  They say it is bad luck because you are a sinner who is going to hell and eternal damnation."  I was agape.  I didn't know what to say--partly out of shock, partly because I couldn't stop laughing.  Finally I collected myself. I said, "well yeah, that's all well and good but tomorrow someone better clean my fucking room," and I hung up.

to be continued, I guess...


Blogger Nita said...

DRex - why don't you come up to NY for the weekend?

July 24, 2004 at 11:13 PM  
Blogger NP said...

I will be up there next weekend until early Tuesday morning.

July 25, 2004 at 6:57 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The best part here is that the blog ads up at teh top of the page are now all for lipstick specials because of the multiple mentions of the word in your post.

Good story, per typical. Please update as details follow.

- SkiGuy

July 26, 2004 at 4:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Go to Kingpin and get evil wasted on weekdays.

August 16, 2004 at 5:05 PM  

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