Wednesday, July 28, 2004

Stepping in Shit

It's 9:10am and I'm already in trouble with the judge for disrupting court proceedings. Let me give you a piece of advice: if you are exhausted in court and need to find something to keep yourself awake do NOT tell yourself all the dirty jokes you know--especially if you're renowned for cracking yourself up. It also helps if you're not fucking retarded...

Just before the end of lunch, I went to the men's room to take a leak and wash my hands.  The stench was over-powering.  Whoever was in the handicapped stall was exorcising some serious rectal demons.  As I was washing my hands, the owner of the offending ass emerged from the stall repeatedly looking back over his shoulder with a worried look on his face. I noticed this in the large mirror in front of me and turned to see what he was worried about...

The toilet was overflowing.  Large, lincoln-log type turds were floating up over the bowl and onto the green tile floor amidst a river of toilet water, and urine.  It didn't seem like it would ever stop.  The man stood nervously next to me and started frantically washing his hands--obviously trying to get out of there as quickly as possible.  I didn't know what to do, so I did what came naturally:

"Jesus Christ buddy, what'd you eat for lunch? A family of four?!"
--no response
"If you can do this to a public toilet, I can only imagine what you do to your toilet at home. It must be a Superfund site."
--no response (his head hung over the sink getting red with embarrassment or rage as he finished drying his hands)
"If I get shit on my shoes, I'm sending you the bill. Do you even work here?"

With that statement he shot me a very stern look, turned and headed for the door.  As he reached for the handle, it was pushed open from the other side by one of the clerks from the Records Dept.  The clerk shuffled around the man and said, "Pardon me, Your Honor."


While at trial here in DC, we are working at the offices of co-counsel in a small building near Dupont Circle. They employ as the head of their Office Services Department, a short, shameless black man named Darrell with the personality of a diva--in a non-gay way.

Darrell has yellowing eyes, a missing top front tooth, and a taste for Bud Ice Tallboys (by his own admission as well as the sweet stench of an Anheuser-Busch plant that he wears every morning like cologne).  Darrell is always chatty and always smiling--probably because he's drunk. In fact, this man talks to anything with a vagina...and I mean ANYTHING!  Coming back from court this afternoon, Darrell came downstairs to help me haul some boxes back into the office. I was pushing the hand truck and he was walking in front clearing a path down the sidewalk when a "woman" passed us going the same direction.

This "woman" was a big girl. A BIG girl. A BIG BIG BIG girl.  She was very dark, very fat, and very ugly.  She is the kind of girl that might make you and I say "oh sweet jesus, my eyes! My eyes!"  Darrell? He shouted at her, "Heeeeey Baaaaaby," then gesturing back toward me, "where you goin'? Come back here and meet my friend Bernard!"

Bernard!! I nearly pissed myself--partly because Bernard is a funny name and partly because she stopped in her tracks like a buffalo that heard a noise in the grass to consider Darrell's proposition.   At this point, I just start pulling the cart toward the front door of the building laughing hysterically and watching Darrell spit game; completely oblivious to anything, for instance, the fact that the glass front doors were closed. Two steps later--SLAM!--the side of my head and my shoulder go straight into double-paned glass. Nice work, NP. Nice work.


Blogger Rick said...

I know I'm sucking up when I say this blog is fucking great, why isn't Tucker pimping your blog on his site?

July 28, 2004 at 12:15 PM  
Blogger NP said...

I don't think he knows about it

July 28, 2004 at 1:09 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Keep it that way. This is gold on its own, and I admire that it is totally removed from TM.

- SkiGuy

July 29, 2004 at 12:29 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You're really only 25?

This blog is funny.


July 29, 2004 at 10:52 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Very funny.

July 29, 2004 at 11:15 AM  
Blogger Hoochie said...

Ya know, you're pretty damned funny. Wait, yes, you DO know that. Never mind.

July 29, 2004 at 12:36 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This site is posted on Tucker Max. That's where I got the link.

August 3, 2004 at 1:16 PM  

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