Monday, August 23, 2004

Things That Should Be Invented For People Who Drink A Lot

#86

Time-Sensitive, Breathalyzer-activated credit cards:

More specifically, a system whereby online credit card purchases made after 2 a.m. local time cannot be processed without the would-be purchaser taking a state-certified breathalyzer test and passing said test with a BAC level lower than the maximum allowed to operate a motor vehicle in the would-be purchaser's home state.

Time-sensitive, breathalyzer-activated credit cards can significantly reduce the occurrence of, what experts in the industry call, "what the" purchases. "What the" purchases are typically items and services that, when seen for the first time upon delivery, make the purchaser audibly exclaim "WHAT THE (insert regret-laced expletive here)!?!"

Examples of "what the" purchases might be:

A. ...oh, I don't know...say...a pair of tickets to a college football game 1600 miles from where I...I mean the purchaser, the purchaser...where the purchaser lives.

B. Or, say, a trio of first-class airline tickets for non-stop international travel purchased prior to confirming availability with all relevant traveling and hosting parties.

C. A no-money down $37,000 car loan through my...I mean the PUR-CHA-SERS...credit card company.

D. Pain medication from Costa Rican pharmaceutical distributors.

E. Porn. LOTS AND LOTS of Porn.

31 Comments:

Blogger Jen said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

August 23, 2004 at 9:42 PM  
Blogger Biscuit said...

F. 200 horror movies on dvd. One of friends likes to drown his law school sorrows in a bottle of cheap vodka, and he has a terrible habit of bidding on horror movies on Ebay when he's drunk. He has the complete sets of Friday the 13th, Nightmare on Elm Street, Halloween, Scream, Hellraiser, and tons of other randomness. It's a wonder that girls still spend the night with him. I have his collection while he's home for the summer, and anyone who sees it at my apartment without prior explanation of ownership thinks I'm a fucking psycho.

August 23, 2004 at 10:02 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This system should come with an additional package. The Las Vegas special. At set intervals one would have to take the test, this way you don't blow your money on:
1) More Gambling
2) Hookers
3) Strippers
4) Or any of the one million other random purchases that can be made in Vegas.

August 23, 2004 at 10:58 PM  
Blogger Brandon said...

Extend the Vegas comment to online poker sites, nothing like going out to lunch the following day and having your card rejected because you've met your 24 hr limit.

Or like Chris Rock says, "There can't possibly be anything positive that you need to spend $300 on at 4am. "

August 24, 2004 at 1:33 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The funniest drunken online purchase I've ever heard of is a mechanical bull.

August 24, 2004 at 6:37 AM  
Blogger NP said...

F. sports gambling. While sometimes an unhealthy amount of alcohol may lead to making a large bet that you hadn't made earlier in the day because you were chicken-shit (Duke +2 vs. UCONN), more often than not it leads to multiple team, multiple sport parlays and $250 bets on every Bundesliga game played that week.

August 24, 2004 at 7:05 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

C. A no-money down $37,000 car loan through my...I mean the PUR-CHA-SERS...credit card company.

Any elaboration on 'C'? What kind of model were you looking at, and more importantly how did you get out of it?

Funny list.

Moneywhore

August 24, 2004 at 7:27 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Why make it time-sensitive? I can remember many times that I've started drinking before noon and woke up the next day only to find the stupidest items. Things like a t-shirt that reads "World's Largest Ball of Twine--Darwin, MN", a Spongebob Squarepants fishing pole, and a large ceramic pig lawn ornament are only a few that I can remember right now. All of these were purchased during normal business hours.

lhprop1

August 24, 2004 at 7:27 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You could have the following models listed from cheapest to most expensive.

1) A model for folks who drink between 'normal' drinking hours.
2) A model that can be customized for any time setting/interval
3) The Las Vegas special model would have the above features along with an added feature of your favorite 'obsession'. Everything from random ebay purchases to a hooker addiction can be dialed in.

August 24, 2004 at 7:41 AM  
Blogger NP said...

I wasn't looking at any model. I got home one night, opened my mail, saw that CapitalOne was offering me a no money down car loan because I was such a great customer, went to their website, filled out the forms, and was automatically approved for a $37,000 car loan.

How did I get out of it? I don't know actually. I guess I just pretend it didn't happen and continue to throw away any piece of mail from CapitalOne that I know isn't my monthly statement.

August 24, 2004 at 8:32 AM  
Blogger CKR said...

For women there should be a cutoff point when getting drunk at lunch with your friends and trying to buy three pairs of shoes and a painting you think would look cool in the bathroom. Call it the shoe-fly clause.

August 24, 2004 at 8:35 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"I guess I just pretend it didn't happen and continue to throw away any piece of mail from CapitalOne that I know isn't my monthly statement."

Dude, Experian or the other agencies may have a field day with this one.

August 24, 2004 at 10:16 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"I guess I just pretend it didn't happen and continue to throw away any piece of mail from CapitalOne that I know isn't my monthly statement."

Dude, Experian or the other agencies may have a field day with this one.

August 24, 2004 at 10:17 AM  
Blogger LadyJay said...

If this could be adapted to prevent me from blissfully picking up the current round of drinks at the bar (while not realizing that I had previously blissfully covered the last two rounds as well) I would be the happiest drunkard alive. Short attention spans and sketchy short-term memories are not helped by the booze. Add a tendency to be overly generous in tips and you understand why the next day's perusal of the bar receipt is always so painful.

Since my friends are never sober enough to do it, can it be adapted to smack the user over the head once a certain level of money is reached?

August 24, 2004 at 10:38 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I concur. I spent $22 at a 7-11 last weekend. How do you spend that much at 7-11? I have no fucking clue, but when I woke up in the morning my pants were covered in nacho cheese, and there was a pack of Yuh-Gi-Oh cards, a pack of upper deck baseball cards, a roll of bubble tape, a mini roman candle, and a $3 dollar cigar in my pocket. Quite an evening I must have had planned before I passed out.

August 24, 2004 at 10:44 AM  
Blogger Z-Money said...

That was me, didn't mean to post as anonymous.

August 24, 2004 at 10:45 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Very good idea man. It would have saved me from spending $70 on beer for just me and 1 other friend.

August 24, 2004 at 10:51 AM  
Blogger The Lovely S said...

"If this could be adapted to prevent me from blissfully picking up the current round of drinks at the bar...I would be the happiest drunkard alive" -LJ

I second this! I also tip obnoxiously more than I should. "$20 on drinks? well let's just give you a $20 tip then! you seem nice. you put extra limes in my drink. credit cards aren't real money anyway...what's $40 when you have a $2,000 limit?"

right. and a month later I'm in serious debt.

August 24, 2004 at 12:47 PM  
Blogger The Bunny said...

SWEET JEBUS! You're on fucking fire.

Wait till you see your logo. Hee Hee.

August 24, 2004 at 12:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You're just a big phony who aspires to be Tucker Max but never will be; moreover, you are a flaming faggot.

August 25, 2004 at 10:08 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"aspires to be Tucker Max" ?
BAH ha ha ha ha
he strikes me as someone with higher goals. And the writing speaks for itself

August 25, 2004 at 12:27 PM  
Blogger Matt K. said...

It's funny how anytime a TMMB'er tries to write something, they get accused of "aspiring to be Tucker Max".

Anyways. I found a ridiculous video that should be viewed by every new member at the new messageboard.

http://projectboil.pixel10.co.uk/posting/Posting.html

August 25, 2004 at 2:23 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

once, during reg. business hours, drunkenly bid on a 'hello kitty' dildo/vibrator for my friends wife (she was there and wanted it!)
luckily got outbid.

September 18, 2004 at 8:38 AM  
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