Monday, August 16, 2004

What is Art?

A couple months ago my friend Will was in town for the weekend and staying at my place. That Saturday morning, after a pretty rigorous night of partying, I came out into the living room to find Will on the couch watching porn on the XBox. The only thing that could have been more disturbing was if he was jerking off when I walked in...and I'm sure that was only a matter of time. I registered my disgust audibly and it was met with laughter and a shit-eating grin. Will knows I don't like porn (the .avi files he was watching belonged to my roommate who, along with his girlfriend, are...how shall I say...connoisseurs), so being the antagonistic prick he is, he likes to put it on whenever he has the opportunity. I contend that porn is boring and superficial. Will argues that it is art. Wait, what? Yep, art. This conversation was going to be fun.

Over the next hour or so, Will tried to convince me that anything that is not a naturally occurring phenomenon should be considered art or, at the very least, an art form. Bridges, macaroni and cheese, highway overpasses, motor home bathrooms, corn dogs at the Texas State Fair (that one was mine). We went through a litany of thing many of which I granted him either on the merits or for the sake of comedy. I had to draw the line, however, at pornography.

N: Porn is NOT a legitimate art form, Will! It's the holding pen for the cocaine-addicted incest survivors of this country. I'm convinced porn is a secret government program meant to keep all these miscreants in one place.
W: One place? You do realize that not all porn stars know each other or live together?
N: Sure they do. It's called Van Nuys. These people fuck first and foremost for money dude, and that makes porn ineligible for the classification of art or art form.
W: Nils, for a smart kid you sure can be close-minded. Art is about personal individual expression. It's not about convention or standards of normalcy or the perceptions of the audience. Just because they fuck for money does not mean what they create is not beautiful or meaningful.
N: Thank you, Eve Ensler. Are you done with your little vagina monologue? Can we go get some fucking breakfast please? I'm fucking starving.
W: Dude, you know what I mean. Porn at its very basic level is the artistic expression of personal sexuality.
N: WILL! THAT GUY JUST SHOVED HIS WHOLE HAND IN THAT GIRLS PUSSY! That is NOT art.
W: Okay, maybe that part isn't art. But the dialogue in this picture is top-shelf. I know that's what drew me to the Anal Spelunkers series.
N: No, what drew you to it was the fact that you're a sexual fucking deviant.
W: Now that was just mean. It's not my problem that my artistic sensibilities are more cultivated than your own. And honestly, I'm not going to take criticism about art from someone who still covers his bedroom walls with signs he's stolen from campus construction sites.
N: Shut the fuck up dude. Just finish your movie so we can go. Woud you like some privacy Larry Flint? The Jergens lotion and toilet paper are where they usually are…under your fucking pillow.
W: Nah, I'm fine. I'll just use your couch cushions.
N: You're such a dick.
W: Don't worry dude. I'll flip 'em over when I'm done.

63 Comments:

Blogger Malt said...

Well. I thought this blog was without flaw, until today. Pornography is not an art, but its still great.

August 16, 2004 at 11:58 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Everyone has their crosses to bear.

August 16, 2004 at 12:07 PM  
Blogger NP said...

previous comment was by me

August 16, 2004 at 12:13 PM  
Blogger The Lily said...

I love how disagreeing over porn (or anything, really) makes one closed-minded.

August 16, 2004 at 12:30 PM  
Blogger The Bunny said...

Your friend Will is wise. This problem was solved in 1917. Art is whatever you want it to be.

That doesn't mean you have to like porn.

August 16, 2004 at 1:08 PM  
Blogger The Lovely S said...

I think it's more about comedic value, really. I saw this clip once that was 7 minutes of a girl giving a handjob...but you can't just give a handjob for 7 minutes and expect people to keep watching when they could be watching something more hardcore. So she had to come up with 7 minutes of dirty talk about the handjob. SEVEN MINUTES!...Most sex doesn't even last that long.

Some of the gems that she came up with were incredible.

August 16, 2004 at 1:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia.

Although today the word art usually refers to the visual arts, the concept of what art is has continuously changed over centuries. Perhaps the most concise definition is its most broad—art refers to all creative human endeavors, excluding actions directly related to survival and reproduction. From a wide perspective, art is simply a generic term for the creative impulse, out of which sprang all other human pursuits such as science via alchemy, and religion via shamanism.

I agree with your friend, despite the fact that I despise all forms of so called 'modern art.'

August 16, 2004 at 1:39 PM  
Blogger Brian said...

I don't know dude, the fact that Ron Jeremy has made a career for himself in porn is pretty surrealistic.

August 16, 2004 at 1:44 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey, if that guy in europe can slice ham and throw it in a big pile on a four poster bed and call it art, surely a DP on a four poster bed qualifies...

August 16, 2004 at 1:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Would you considering making your own porno?? Or does the entire idea turn you off??

August 16, 2004 at 2:58 PM  
Blogger NP said...

I do not participate in the exploitation of women via film for monetary gain. To show my friends and embarass the shit out of someone? Well...

August 16, 2004 at 3:23 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It ain't art for sure, but who the hell cares. People don't admire Jenna Jameson for her talent as an artist. I like her because she has big boobs.

August 16, 2004 at 3:25 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"NP said...
I do not participate in the exploitation of women via film for monetary gain."

That's almost as cliche as saying that all all soldiers go off to fight and die in order to protect the Western way.

I knew your blog was too good to be true.

August 16, 2004 at 4:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Anonymous said...
"NP said...
I do not participate in the exploitation of women via film for monetary gain."

That's almost as cliche as saying that all all soldiers go off to fight and die in order to protect the Western way.

I knew your blog was too good to be true.

4:47 PM"

What else do you expect, a sermon from Jesus? The truth about the creation of the Universe? Fuckin A, lighten up, Prozac may help.

August 16, 2004 at 5:18 PM  
Blogger Biscuit said...

Next column: "Why women's colleges are a societal necessity."

Never trust a guy who says he doesn't like porn.

August 16, 2004 at 8:23 PM  
Blogger dusty said...

" 'NP said...
I do not participate in the exploitation of women via film for monetary gain.'

That's almost as cliche as saying that all all soldiers go off to fight and die in order to protect the Western way. I knew your blog was too good to be true."



That's about the biggest load ever. Why is it cliche for Nils to say he doesn't receive monetary gain from [porn]? Most people don't. Anonymous, you are an idiot.

August 16, 2004 at 9:07 PM  
Blogger NP said...

Anyone that knows me knows that I was talking sausage. Biscuit said what she said because she likes to bust my balls. Everyone else should know that I don't do porn because it must be boring and ultimately very dissatisfying. I don't know about you, but I like to know whether or not I'm making a girl scream or whether her paycheck is making her scream. Maybe that's just me

August 16, 2004 at 11:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Everyone else should know that I don't do porn because it must be boring and ultimately very dissatisfying."

Insert obvious penis size joke here.

Anyway, your friend Will's argument ends up circling around to bite itself in the ass. He claims that anything that does not occur naturally is art. Setting aside the utter, facially absurd breadth of this statement (due to the many non-artistic things that it would necessarily encompass), has he forgotten that humans are self-procreating mammals, and thus their procreative activities OCCUR IN NATURE?

Now I suppose we can argue about the "naturalness" of anal fisting and dildos powered by eggbeaters, and their relevance to procreation, but conceptually, anybody who grew up watching National Geographic Explorer knows that mating rituals, including visual and physical stimulation, are part of nature. In my mind, no matter how deviant porn may appear, its ultimate aim is to stimulate the procreative juices, and I don't think it takes an MFA in Porn to figure out how to do this.

August 17, 2004 at 6:08 AM  
Blogger TxtBk said...

I don't know why I'm asking, or if I want to know the answer, but what do you jerk off to?

p.s. I can't even imagine how many women have called you a "big teddy bear."

August 17, 2004 at 8:23 AM  
Blogger BrianH said...

"p.s. I can't even imagine how many women have called you a 'big teddy bear.'"

Undoubtedly a number far greater than the men whom have referred to you as "datable", but less than those who know you only by "FunBags McTalksalot".

August 17, 2004 at 8:48 AM  
Blogger Z-Money said...

If porno isn't art, then outside of the Prado and the Louvre, there isn't a single piece of art in all of Europe. Especially the Netherlands. Filthy.

August 17, 2004 at 8:53 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are sexy. Come to the East Coast and we'll make porn together.

August 17, 2004 at 9:16 AM  
Blogger TxtBk said...

"FunBags McTalksalot"

Weird. I'll tell you why later.

My birthday's Thursday. Should I be expecting a repeat performance?

August 17, 2004 at 9:23 AM  
Blogger The Bunny said...

I WILL MAKE IT ART!
Since the "tribal dancer, "Tawny Kittaen," and "rollergirl" parts are cast, I only need:
-Trinity (flexibility a plus)
-Betty Rubble (animated version, not Rosie O'Donnel in a mini dress)
-Samantha Micelli (she's the boss. She'll carry a bullwhip)
-Condaleeza Rice (in red lipstick)
-Katerina Witt (in the red outfit)
-And "Adventures in Babysitting" Elisabeth Shue (in assless chaps) Very important character.

August 17, 2004 at 9:53 AM  
Blogger NP said...

TxtBk said...
I don't know why I'm asking, or if I want to know the answer, but what do you jerk off to?



dead kittens

August 17, 2004 at 10:44 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"dead kittens"

If god kills them everytime you jerk off, this can lead to cyclical orgasms. Kind of your own personal kama sutra.

Enjoying the blog, keep at it.

-JP

August 17, 2004 at 10:55 AM  
Blogger NP said...

dead kittens: the masturbatory gift that keeps on givin'

August 17, 2004 at 11:11 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Put up your method for preparing the Kitten. That was hilarious.

August 17, 2004 at 11:26 AM  
Blogger jojo said...

That dead kitten comment is just wrong. You're taking the food off of some Taiwanese kid's table just for a momentary thrill.

Shame on you.

August 17, 2004 at 12:21 PM  
Blogger NP said...

everytime you masturbate with a kitten, God kills a Taiwanese child.

August 17, 2004 at 12:30 PM  
Blogger jojo said...

And I always thought that the repercussions from practicing new aspyxiation techniques with kittens would be karmic.

August 17, 2004 at 12:37 PM  
Blogger NP said...

not karmic, TANTRIC

August 17, 2004 at 12:41 PM  
Blogger jojo said...

MEEEEEEE-OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

August 17, 2004 at 12:53 PM  
Blogger TxtBk said...

Granted, the kitty-masturbation banter has me in stiches, but isn't about time you give us our daily fix of NP ranting?

I've got a deadline and I've run out of ways to procrastinate.

In the meantime, jojo, please put the pipe down and start your own blog. Your public awaits you..or something along those lines.

August 17, 2004 at 1:09 PM  
Blogger jojo said...

Hold up a second. Just because you have a lot of whiskers on your upper lip doesn't mean that you can come in and interrupt our conversation about dead kittens.

August 17, 2004 at 1:21 PM  
Blogger TxtBk said...

BITCH, please! I told you!!! David, TheSassyGayWaxer, puts me in a complex to get a couple more bucks off me when he's doing my eyebrows. The power of suggestion works wonders on me.

My upper lip is as bald as a 9-year old Thai hooker.

August 17, 2004 at 1:38 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

On an unrelated note, something to inflate the underinflated ego of your friend Tucker
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/5697997/

August 17, 2004 at 1:44 PM  
Blogger jojo said...

So who dies when Txtbk does whatever she does (and we don't want to know what that is) to gain intimate knowledge of 9-year old Thai hookers?

August 17, 2004 at 1:46 PM  
Blogger NP said...

who dies? a little part of each and every one of us. TxtBk are you sure your name isn't Glen?

August 17, 2004 at 1:52 PM  
Blogger TxtBk said...

Who says I'm not Thai?

We were all 9-years-old once.

Some of us had to go out and pay the bills, while assholes like you jerked off to your Gloria Estefan and Miami Sound Machine posters.

[sniff]

August 17, 2004 at 1:55 PM  
Blogger NP said...

Gloria Estefan? Jesus you really are old aren't you. If I was jerking off to a poster of anything it was a poster of dead kittens.

August 17, 2004 at 1:57 PM  
Blogger jojo said...

Kittens are gonna get you, kittens are gonna get you, kittens are gonna get you.

Kittens are gonna get you....tonight. dah dah d-d-dah

August 17, 2004 at 2:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dude, did you post a new entry because she told you to? I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you figured it was the easiest way to shut her up. Only god knows how many guys jerk off to the thought of dead txtbk.

-JP

August 17, 2004 at 3:10 PM  
Blogger NP said...

I was in the middle of writing in when she posted that request. I've written 25 pieces in like 26 days. You think today would be any different? And I don't jerk off to the thought of a dead TxtBk. I jerk off to the thought of a MUTE, fingerless TxtBk. Holding a dead kitten.

August 17, 2004 at 3:57 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This shit is better than your posts. Masturbating to dead kittens beats mastercard off the charts.

priceless

August 17, 2004 at 9:21 PM  
Blogger Anarchy said...

This whole blog disturbs me,hence why I added it to my blogroll...I have these sort of conversations...maybe thats what disturbs me...

August 17, 2004 at 9:30 PM  
Blogger Jordan Golson said...

I clicked "Next Blog" at the top of your page, and got this: http://miss_bitchy.blogspot.com/

Oh the teen angst.

August 17, 2004 at 11:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Tough to hold the dead kitten and masturbate without any fingers.

August 18, 2004 at 6:38 AM  
Blogger jojo said...

"And I don't jerk off to the thought of a dead TxtBk. I jerk off to the thought of a MUTE, fingerless TxtBk."

You've just turned me on in a way I didn't think men could.

August 18, 2004 at 7:57 AM  
Blogger TxtBk said...

jojo said...

"You've just turned me on in a way I didn't think men could."

If I were mute and fingerless though, how would I ever stimulate your Cowper's Gland while doing my Mike Tyson impression??

Every man deserves one or two of his fantasies to culminate in reality. You're just as worthy, Darlin'.

August 18, 2004 at 8:49 AM  
Blogger jojo said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

August 18, 2004 at 8:59 AM  
Blogger jojo said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

August 18, 2004 at 9:12 AM  
Blogger jojo said...

You really know how to take the steam out of a man's engine, don't you. Every guy here was so turned on by the thought of you unable to speak and type that kittens and Taiwanese children everywhere were trembling in fear. Then you had to ruin the beautiful fantasy by showing that you actually could still talk to us.

August 18, 2004 at 9:26 AM  
Blogger NP said...

"TxtBk said...

If I were mute and fingerless though, how would I ever stimulate your Cowper's Gland while doing my Mike Tyson impression??"



I assume you'd use your penis. For both.

August 18, 2004 at 9:31 AM  
Blogger TxtBk said...

Are we saying everything in three's today?

August 18, 2004 at 9:33 AM  
Blogger TxtBk said...

¿Estamos diciendo todo en three's hoy?

August 18, 2004 at 9:34 AM  
Blogger TxtBk said...

Disons-nous tout dans three's aujourd'hui?

August 18, 2004 at 9:36 AM  
Blogger jojo said...

Txtbk said

Are we saying everything in three's today?



This can't be the first time you've been told by a guy that he was almost there until you started talking. It just can't be the first time.

August 18, 2004 at 9:40 AM  
Blogger BrianH said...

It IS the first time.

If you conveniently leave out food service employees, taxi drivers, bankers, attorneys, doctors, construction workers, the military, and her father.

There is a reason she's an only child. Daddy Txtbk thanks the Lord each and every day that she started talking soon enough that the abortion of her little sister wouldn't be labeled "murder".

August 18, 2004 at 10:19 AM  
Blogger JP said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

August 18, 2004 at 10:57 AM  
Blogger JP said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

August 18, 2004 at 11:11 AM  
Blogger jojo said...

"Geico ended up gagged and handcuffed."

If you said permanently gagged and handcuffed, I would have gotten a chubby.

August 18, 2004 at 11:13 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hello, Nils. Hungry?
http://www.stydie.com/albums/fall/pages/Nils%20with%20the%20cake%20I%20liberated%20from%20a%20birthday%20party%20the%20night%20before_jpg.htm

August 18, 2004 at 1:13 PM  

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