Tuesday, September 07, 2004

Things I Learned Over the Labor Day Weekend

#1 It is not acceptable to walk into a Big Box Supermarket retailer in an upscale white suburb (sorry, that's redunant...I know) and yell out at a very high volume:

"WHERE'S THE GODDAMN BEER!?!?"

Despite the fact that this inquisitive plea was born out of true frustration and a desire to find a cold alcoholic beverage of my choosing, asking no one in particular where the goddamn beer is as loud as you can will only lead to conversations like this one with the supermarket manager:

SM: Sir, I would appreciate it if you would refrain from using that kind of derogatory language in my store.
NP: I'm sorry, so where's the goddamn beer?
SM: Sir, customers don't come to the San Ramon Alberstons to be sworn at or have the Lord's name so wantonly taken in vain. I, for one, know that I do not come to work everyday expecting to be sworn at. Now I understand your frustration with not being able to find what you are looking for. Our store is very big. One of the 6 biggest Albertsons in all of Northern California in fact--but that does not me
NP: So where's the damn beer?
SM: Sir, if you don't stop swearing at me I am going to ask you to leave and not return. I am giving you the respect you deserve as a customer and I expect that respect in return as the manager of this store.
NP: I'm not swearing. I haven't said 'shit' or 'fuck' or 'bitch' or anything like that. I'm sorry if I offended your Judeo-Christian morality. I'm just looking for the frickin' beer aisle and you are trying to give me a sermon.
SM: Sir, I am not trying to preach to you I assure you. What I am trying to do is instruct you about how we expect Albertsons customers to conduct themselves in our store around their fellow Alberstons customers.
NP: That's great. So can you instruct me about where the goddamn beer aisle is?
SM: You really are a horribly unhappy person aren't you?
NP: No, but I'm getting there. All I need from you is a number. We can even make this like a MadLibs. I will give you a sentence with a blank and ask you for the first number that pops into your head. Ready?...well, are you ready?
SM: Aisle 3.
NP: Thank you. Jesus fucking christ it's like pulling teeth around here.


#2 It is unwise to stand at the edge of a 150-foot, 65degree straw-covered hill while drunk and in flip-flops. It is unwise to stand at the edge of said hill while holding a wallet, keys, a cell-phone and a beer because your basketball shorts don't have pockets. Being distracted by the wind and by people talking to you while you are standing on the edge of said hill may result in losing your footing and sliding 150 feet to the bottom on your ass and your side. This, I have found, will lead to massive scratching along your legs and a softball sized welt on bruise on your right hip/ass cheek.

#3 I do not need a microphone when I sing karaoke.

#4 Doing 50 straight cannonballs will make every part of your body ache the next day...including your ass which you will hit on the bottom of the shallow end at least 4 times because you were too impatient to wait for people to clear out of the deep-end.

#5 Losing your wallet, your cell phone, your sunglasses, and your shoes after a long night of partying sucks.

#5a The best place to lose a wallet is in the gutter of a quiet upscale suburban street. You actually stand a chance of getting it back

#6 Telling the cute bartender who started flirting with you the minute you walked up to the bar that you prefer to drink with purpose and conviction will lead to you getting ridiculously drunk off gigantic shots of Patron

#7 Watcing an action film from the first row of the theater will make you incredibly ill...particularly if the reason you went to the movie was to spend a couple hours in a dark air-conditioned room where you didn't have to move in order to stave off the worst aspects of a hangover.

#8 Diner-style chain restaurants like Denny's and Carrows are the most depressing places in this history of depressing places (more on this later)

#9 45 yr old single women LOVE me.

#10 Breaking out in a rash on your ass doesn't mean you have herpes...necessarily. You might have just sat in poison ivy. LIKE AN IDIOT!

#11 Red Bull (and Vodka) is, by FAR, the best way to find me in the center of an incident in which police officers will be prominently involved.

There are more things I learned, I'm sure. I just can't remember any of them because I was too drunk when I learned them.

13 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

"I just can't remember any of them because I was too drunk when I learned them."


::laughs::


Moneywhore

September 7, 2004 at 11:46 AM  
Blogger Jordan Golson said...

I think the conversation between you and the store manager might be your finest post since this blog went up. Damn that was funny.

Were you drunk at the time, or just pissed that you couldn't procure the beer fast enough?

September 7, 2004 at 1:31 PM  
Blogger deanne said...

#4's my favourite. No need for that enema then.

September 7, 2004 at 1:56 PM  
Blogger NP said...

I was completely sober when I was in the Albertsons. The place was gigantic...like the size of a Postal Service Depot. I couldn't find anything and it was making me angry...especially since I was hot from being in the car in 95 degree heat and I was still 10 minutes away from the house I needed to be at to watch the Washington St/UNM game which was kicking off in 4 minutes.

September 7, 2004 at 2:03 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Kicking off in 4 minutes"

Kicking...Ha ha ha...

or was that the LSU game? I forget.

September 7, 2004 at 6:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"#1 It is not acceptable to walk into a Big Box Supermarket retailer in an upscale white suburb (sorry, that's redunant...I know) and yell out at a very high volume: [Where's the Goddamn beer]?"

I had a similar thing happen in Houston last Winter. It was a Randall's in Post Oak, or Belle Oaks, or Oak Wood...George Bush's fucking neighborhood. I walked in, and said those exact words, very loudly. And old lady stared at me and then turned her lip up. I believe my words were: "That's right lady, we're the Democrats, we came to take your beer and your money. Now hand it over."

How was I to know they had plain clothes security in an upscale grocery store?

September 7, 2004 at 11:30 PM  
Blogger Matt K. said...

Losing your cell phone must be a labor day thing.

Except I found mine today, after getting a new one. It was sticky, smelled like tequila, and only 3 buttons still functioned correctly. Which was plenty of buttons to figure out that some drunk idiot, at the party some friends and I threw, had called half my phonebook. Including a couple of ex's, who have made it a point to call me and inform me of "my drunk dial". Wasn't me sweetheart.

September 8, 2004 at 12:59 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

By far my favorite was the MadLib line. I wonder if he knew how to play MadLib. -that just cracks me up

September 8, 2004 at 7:33 AM  
Blogger CptCooleye said...

I want to hear more about #9. A May/Dec romance sounds like the jumping off point for many good entries.

September 8, 2004 at 8:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

ROFLOL!!!!1! Man, that fifth time you said where's the damn beer!! *snort* [adjusts thick framed glasses] I feel sorry for THAT door greeter!!! LOL! ;)

September 8, 2004 at 12:25 PM  
Blogger Pebbles said...

"I want to hear more about #9. A May/Dec romance sounds like the jumping off point for many good entries."


He is confusing LOVE with drunk.

She got up out of her chair in an attempt to make it to the bathroom and there was a GIANT with a microphone in her way. He mistook her swaying for her wanting to dance.

September 8, 2004 at 9:09 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

#11 Red Bull (and Vodka) is, by FAR, the best way to find me in the center of an incident in which police officers will be prominently involved.

That line just about killed me, being that Red Bull and Vodka is me favorite drink and all. There has never been a sober or functioning night when that drink is involved. Running around in Rome causing havic with Italians high on Red Bull and Vodka leaves endless nights, literally endless night, of drunken fun.

September 17, 2004 at 6:43 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

#11 Red Bull (and Vodka) is, by FAR, the best way to find me in the center of an incident in which police officers will be prominently involved.

That line just about killed me, being that Red Bull and Vodka is me favorite drink and all. There has never been a sober or functioning night when that drink is involved. Running around in Rome causing havic with Italians high on Red Bull and Vodka leaves endless nights, literally endless night, of drunken fun.

September 17, 2004 at 6:44 AM  

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