Friday, September 03, 2004

The View From The Bottom: An Open Letter

Dear Bruce,

Aside from bleeding and eventual incontinence, the worst part about being a Bottom during gay anal sex is insensitivity. So often Tops are Bears--bigger, gruffer, and much more aggressive than your typical Bottom. A lot of Tops will just start pounding away like your ass is some sort of penile pin cushion. I mean, I don't know about you Bruce, but I was led to believe that gay anal sex is about mutual pleasure. Unfortunately, it feels like we don't share that philosophy anymore. If you just want to fuck me in the ass like your cock is a pestle and my asshole is a mortar, you've got the wrong Bottom buddy!

Now don't get me wrong...it's not like a good hard ass-pounding can't feel great. SOMETIMES. But sometimes you want to go a little slower, a little softer, a little gentler. Maybe a little kissing on the back of the neck. Maybe a little shoulder rubbing. Maybe a reach-around. You know what I mean, Bruce? Gay anal sex is about the unspoken emotional connection as much as it is about cramming your dick in my ass. I don't think there's any debate about that. I, for one, need one just as much as I need the other.

Just because you, Mr. TOP, are dissatisfied with your job and hate that you can't come out to your father doesn't mean you can just bend me over, grab my shoulders, slam your cock in my ass and just go POUND POUND POUND POUND POUND! That's not how a real gay anal sex relationship works.

Ask me what I want. Ask me how I want it...or even IF I want it. Sometimes I just want you to spoon me on the couch while we watch a movie. Remember when we used to just cuddle up on the couch and watch American Idol? I miss those days Brucie and I really don't think you care. I think you just look at me as your favorite anal deep-throater. And you know what, I'm okay with that. I like that you are attracted to my unique...skill. BUT THAT STILL DOESN'T MEAN I DON'T HAVE NEEDS OR DESIRES THAT I WANT FULFILLED!!! I could find a new, more sensitive Top like THAT Brucie, don't you forget it!

But I don't want that. I want the old US. I want the Brucie and Me who would kiss in the kitchen while we practiced cooking vegetarian entrees and then turn off the burners on the stove as we kissed our way onto the couch or into the bedroom. Remember? Those were the nights where you went the deepest...into my heart, into my soul. It was nights like those that made me understand and embrace the fact that I wasn't just a Bottom. I was YOUR Bottom, Brucie. Your Bottom!

I need you to be more sensitive Bruce. I need you to care. I need you to want me and need me...and SHOW it. This is a gay anal sex partnership. Not a gay anal sex dictatorship. I know you know I get most of my pleasure from gay anal sex by pleasing my Top, but even the bottom-most of Bottoms needs a little pleasing from his Top once in awhile. I'm no different Brucie. I'm not different.

So please Brucie, think about what I'm saying. It took a lot of courage for me to write this. I know how mad and offended you get sometimes, but this is important to me. No no no, it's important to US! So please, try and be a little more sensitive to my needs. And my ass.

Yours always,

Alphonse

45 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

what was the point of this?

it goddamn better not have anything to do with girls.

lemonofpink

September 3, 2004 at 2:40 AM  
Blogger The Shit Head said...

The point was hilarity.

He succeeded.

September 3, 2004 at 3:08 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh my god that was hilarious, Nils.
Tucker might say "If I could make these things up I would be writing fiction". Well you can, and please continue down that road...

Frederik

September 3, 2004 at 4:33 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You're better than this.
-misguided angel

September 3, 2004 at 5:17 AM  
Blogger Patrick said...

Light the olympic torch from Crete,

And wake up my roommate from Berkeley.


Fucking fantastic.

September 3, 2004 at 5:20 AM  
Blogger SVD said...

Not so good.

Too much time in SF has definitely started to rub off.

September 3, 2004 at 5:34 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Way to much detail. You know it is good writing if it makes me ill.

September 3, 2004 at 6:56 AM  
Blogger LC Greenwood said...

God I love you. You make every morning a pleasure to log in to... I'm in a show right now with a couple of gay guys... and goddamn. Just...Goddamn.

September 3, 2004 at 7:37 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What was Robin's real name from Batman and Robin?

September 3, 2004 at 7:53 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

sad, sad, sad.

September 3, 2004 at 9:28 AM  
Blogger fourstar said...

You don't always have to fuck em hard, in fact, sometimes, it's not right to do.

September 3, 2004 at 9:29 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Aside from the fact that I just vomited in my mouth, that was damn funny.

September 3, 2004 at 9:48 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You should submit this to McSweeney's and take the record for the quickest flat rejection in history.

September 3, 2004 at 10:04 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm gonna go against the other sheep here that enjoy slobbering all over your cock every post and say that this was pretty gay.

But hell, even Harrison Ford had a "Sabrina" so don't let it get to you.

September 3, 2004 at 10:35 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think you should have added a source to give it some context, even if you made it up (eg) printed out at work; "accidentally" forwarded to a co-worker - just my opinion.

I thought that's how it was going to end, and for me, it would be believable since I don't know the ins-and-outs of gay relationships, so to speak.

Rio

September 3, 2004 at 11:03 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I realy don't know what's going on here.... If you found that, what in the hell did the rest of us have to see that for! And if you made it up, maybe it's best that you stay further away from hate and ashberry. Or is it?

September 3, 2004 at 12:47 PM  
Blogger NP said...

hate and ashberry? are you fucking kidding me?! Let me guess, you're from an interior land-locked state aren't you?

Let me hazard another guess, your familiarity with HAIGHT and ASHBURY is based solely on the opening credits to Dharma & Greg

September 3, 2004 at 12:52 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

DREX

Its a mistake to be taken under Tucker's wing with festering ass. He's leeching your talent.

September 3, 2004 at 1:22 PM  
Blogger NP said...

he's not leeching IT. He's leeching OFF of it. Regardless, I'm not motivated enough to do something like that site on my own so I suppose both sides win in a sense

September 3, 2004 at 1:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This read like a few Onion articles I've read in the past (i.e. open letter format "Please Tell Me If You Don't Want to See My Penis"--June 1996). You should write for them... or not. The post, however, was funny, and your absolutely right... leeching off of, not leeching. But that's just my opinion.

September 3, 2004 at 2:02 PM  
Blogger JP said...

"your absolutely right... leeching off of, not leeching."

I thought that was funny.

September 3, 2004 at 2:19 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'd love to be your bottom, big boy!!

September 3, 2004 at 2:20 PM  
Blogger NP said...

I don't believe in pre-marital sex...on the first date

September 3, 2004 at 3:37 PM  
Blogger PEtrainer said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

September 3, 2004 at 8:44 PM  
Blogger PEtrainer said...

Nils:

I thought I told you that letter was private.....

September 3, 2004 at 8:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

NP said...
I don't believe in pre-marital sex...on the first date.


Riiiiggghhhhtttt.

September 3, 2004 at 8:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, I guess I can just suck you off,...on demand??

September 3, 2004 at 9:00 PM  
Blogger Malt said...

Your posts are really going down hill.

September 3, 2004 at 11:44 PM  
Blogger Malt said...

And who the fuck is tucker?!

September 3, 2004 at 11:45 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Tucker is "Bruce"

September 4, 2004 at 2:28 AM  
Blogger Malt said...

I've heard peopel talk about tucker in previous posts, does he have his own blog or something?

September 4, 2004 at 3:37 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

www.tuckermax.com

September 4, 2004 at 6:20 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nils,

hilarious. never saw this topic coming. funny shit. Well done.

Moneywhore

September 4, 2004 at 11:44 PM  
Blogger Malt said...

I was reading tucker today, and I think drex is much more funny. Please update.

September 5, 2004 at 7:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Tucker has some stories that are much, much funnier than anything Drex has done. But, as far as consistency and good writing go, Drex is the better blogger. I've never been reading a Drex story on my roommate's laptop in class and was asked to leave the room since I couldn't contain myself. But he's much more intelligent, and produces stories faster, so I'd probably vote for Drex.

September 6, 2004 at 10:31 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My vote goes for 'Malt' to stick his head back up his ass and to stop posting here

September 7, 2004 at 9:29 AM  
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